Chit Chat

"You didn't tell me or notice, so let me tell you. I believe I look very beautiful today"

"Hmnn, anything special?"

"Nah, usual. Nothing special"

"That's why I didn't notice anything different. You ALWAYS look beautiful"

"Right O"

Q and A

"Why do you love me?" she asked

"Hmnn.......for your money, which I will inherit" he said, still looking into his laptop

"C'mon, how do you know you will outlive me?"

"I'll manage that...."

"Stop this nonsense"she said, a bit irritated

"Then you stop asking me these silly questions..."

Ha Ha

Anaesthesiologist (Age 73 years),  Patient (Age 60 years). Ages of the surgeon, surgical residents and the anaesthesiology resident do not matter

A: Aunty, open your eyes, the surgery is over
No response from "aunty"

After a lot of waiting, and adequate pharmacological reversal of anaesthetic agents we gave up and sent her to the ICU with the tube in....

If I was Mrs. M I too would have kept sleeping.....

The Pursuit Of Happiness

Whenever I am on call and free for dinner, NP and I manage to have dinner together at Khaasiyat. A small joint near Vile Parle Station, decent, value for money and yet safely close to the hospital in case I have to rush back for some work. We ALWAYS eat parathas there since NP has this habit of sticking to one particular dish at any place. The parathas there are amazing. The accompanying ma ki daal and chhole are good too.

So one day, we were sitting in their overhead cramped AC section and munching our parathas. Next to us were a gujju couple and another girl.

Girl: (ultra sweet, fake scolding) Jijuuuuu...take good care of my sister OK......

Jiju: Smiles, fiddling with his smart and expensive looking phone

Sister: He takes such good care of me......And provides so well for me. And I don't want ANYTHING from him. (Pativraata tone). I am satisfied with just the flat he got us in Juhu (Just? and she's just satisfied?!). I don't want ANYYTHING else.

NP to me: I hope she wants atleast some sofas for the house. Waise after buying a flat at Juhu, I hope he has money left over for that.

Me: Shhhh

Sister (continues, oblivous I presume to me and NP and our conversation):  No diamonds, jewelery and stuff. This is enough for me, I am happy.

NP and I: (nothing was said between the two of us. We were speechless)

This is How You Do NOT Bake a Cake

The Do's, everyone will tell you them, here are the don'ts that I have learn't the hard way, i.e personal experience

1) Don't bake till you have at least once seen someone bake either in real life or on TV or an authentic video. Small Things like how to fill, grease, flour and line the pans are very important.

2) Before you start out, have all your things together. The cookware, the spoons, whips, ingredients, measures....everything in place. My routine cooking is very intuitive. I start cooking, then walk around the kitchen, gather stuff and ingredients while I am cooking and that works fine for me for my roz ka khaana. NP claims I am a great cook, which I believe he says to convince himself and to gear himself to a lifetime of my radioactive cooking. (OK, I am not that bad, but not great either, a little better than average is quite where I am). But baking requires a little more effort than your routine cooking. At least in the beginning. So be well prepared.

3) Read the recipe carefully. Trust those from good books. Sites I am not sure. Cooking blogs are generally good, but do not go by the pics. Awful stuff can look awesome in a few fancy photographs. If a recipe seems complicated, please stay away. Use your intuition before you cook. This is presuming you are a newbie like me (since you have reached so far). Start with simple things first. Like a basic sponge cake.

4) Follow the sequence, yes. But do not take things THAT seriously. Like at the fag end of the recipe they will tell you to drop the mixture in greased and flour dusted tin and put it in an oven preheated for x minutes. No one will tell you that the tin must be greased and dusted before you begin. And by the time you are done the oven better be pre heated. Once the batter is made, it must be baked soon. Leaving it out for long will result in cakes that do not rise enough.

5) The tooth pic/knife/fork test, again do not take it SO seriously, the way I did. Kept poking my cake so often that it looked like a pock marked cake by the time it was fully done! BTW also beware, opening the oven too often during the innumerable fork tests is not good, the heat is lost out.

6) Prepare small portions at the oust. Expect some wastage and failed experiments before working out exactly how much heating your portions, your oven need. My first cake had a charred crust and rest was fine after I literally tore off the crust. Second was absolutely tasteless and charred mess. Third was too dense and sweet but overall not bad. Fourth attempt a year later with previous gyaan was much better but past "burns" made me poke it too often and my cake collapsed and got dense as the poking spoiled the top and let the air inside the baking cake escape.

7) Remember, Fahrenheit and Celsius were two different people with contributions to science similar yet different. So read carefully the temperature stated on the recipe and carry out appropriate conversions. Your oven may still need different temperatures so watch your cake get baked, this is not the time to watch that silly reality show on TV.

8) Finally, whatever you do, whether the outcome is a good cake or a damaged cake, your kitchen will end up smelling like heaven (that is how I imagine it smells), of course unless you char it way too far. And do not get discouraged, its really not rocket science, baking cakes, only practice makes one perfect. So happy trying.

Anu again......

No Time
Anu: When mummy will come home?
Varsha Mami: She will come real soon.
Anu: But WHEN???
VM: Soon dear...She will be home in no time.
I realised the phrase was new to her only when she gave me a worried cum sad look,
Anu: In no time means she is not going to come home???

Full Name
Whenever anyone asks her the name of her school, Anu always says "Garodia", almost never the full name unless specifically asked for. So one fine funny day
VM: Anu whats the name of your school
Anu: Garodia
VM: Tell me the full name of your school
Anu: Garodia Academy Preschool
VM: oh...do you know what preschool means??
Anu: Mmm, I don't know...(after a moment of careful thinking) Is it the Surname of the school?

Kids Say........

Firstly, Thanks Harekrishnaji for your concern. I am very much around. Just with my exams nearing, blogging has taken a back seat for the moment.

Snippets of some interesting dialogues I have had with my naughty 5 year old niece Ananya. This post is dedicated to my sis (sister in law, technically) Radhika, who is Ananya's mother and wanted to maintain a log of all these funnies.

Disclaimer: Some of the convos may not seem too funny to those who don't know Anu....some jokes could be situational, and difficult to put into words.
Most of the dialogues are Ad verbatim(as I remember) So kindly excuse the grammatical lapses.

Playing Games
Usually once she returns home from school, Anu has this habit of pestering me with "Play with me na for FIVE minutes". On the occasions on which I do comply, we are almost never done in 5 minutes.
One day, after I returned from my classes, I was in no mood to study and was dying to play with Anu. However she took no heed of my genuine requests.
Next day after she came from school,

Anu: Play with me no for FIVE minutes.
Varsha Mami: No dear I have to study.
Anu: How much you study!! Play with me no......only five minutes......
VM: Your 5 mins never get over.....And yesterday, when I was begging to play with you, why didn't you play with me?!
Anu: Oh. I was not in a mood to play na! And I was very busy. But today if you beg, I will play with you...promise.

Being Humble
Anu: Please put on the fan
VM: No way. I am not feeling well. And I am feeling verrry cold.
Anu: But I won't feel cold...put on the fan.
VM: No I said.....I am running a fever. Sorry, no fan
Anu: (standing next to me, holding my hands, with a forlorn expression) Please put on the fan. Very please, verry please. I am saying very please no...put on the fan.

Babies
Anu: When will you have a baby?
VM: After I finish studying.
Anu: Why can't you have a baby when you are studying?
VM: Arrey, If my baby says "Play with me" I will have no time na...
Anu: Then I will play! I am also alone na, I get bored.
VM: But small babies need a lot of their mother...to clean the, feed them...
Anu: I will play and look after your baby. I will come from school and play with your baby. (after a moment of thinking) No, I will come from school, wash my hands, eat food and play with your baby, OK?!
VM: Hmnnn...OK. I will have a baby when you are old enough to look after him/her.....
Anu: OK.

There is a lot more to come.......

Click me!!

the thought bug strikes HERE today for a change....

Amusing and Musing

Mid Day Boy
There is a boy I often see on the train who sells Mid-Day. He hops on the train, shouts "Mi de Mi De, tsk tsk"....."Mi de, Mi de..tsk tsk". He has a 'eager+ forlorn+ anxious to jump out of the First Class ASAP' expression on his face. Suddenly I got an urge to buy Mid day from him (Mid Day is something I buy only on impulse, or unless my Ajji (gran) is home. She HAS to have the crossword or she gets bored sitting at home all day). So he got in at Khar and I took a paper...started hunting my wallet for change. The train was about to leave and TC was on the train. So the guy said,
"Baad me sandaas me akey dena..."

I said "Huh, aye ruk...." He had long left the train, and the train had left the station. I keep feeling bad for not having paid the fellow, and befuddled by the toilet bit till Santa Cruz arrived and I realised I heard him wrong. He had said..."Santa Cruz mein main ayega to dena...."

Professional Secrecy
Now I know why professional secrecy is such an important legal issue in Medicine. Today in the Gyn OPD came a patient whose name I will obviously not mention. She was married and in Gyn you have to ask the patient a lot of personal questions...like time since marriage, about miscarriages, contraceptive use and so on. The lady started giving her history by telling me that she had been married since 5 years but her in laws had cheated them so she and her husband had had no physical relationship whatsoever. In her words, he had still not 'broken into her'. I was shocked. Not as much by that fact as much by the realisation that without having known me at all that lady had confided a very personal, a very serious matter in me. I am still dazed.....

The Great Indian Habit

Jara sa or little bit is such a popular word of the Indian man's jargon. Like when they cook, they always put jara sa hing or haldi or whatever. My jara sa never matches with that golden standard jara sa I feel, hence when I cook, the haldi hing and salt are either jara sa excess or jara sa less..or maybe jara sa more would be fine....huh


Or when I miss meeting the head of the unit for the coveted signature and posting completion I am always jara sa late.


The other day in the casualty at around 2 am came a patient with a nasty laterated wound on the scalp, outcome of a fall.
I am not going to translate the rest, won't be as much fun....

Me, "Vomitting vagera hua?"

"Haan, jara sa."

Me, "Chakkar aya kay?"

"Haan, jara sa."

Me, "Kahi aur laga kya?"

"Haan idhar udhar jara sa laga"

Me, "Behosh hua tha kya?"

"Haan, jara saa hua....."

Me, "AREY, JARA SA BEHOSH KYA HOTA HAIN??!!!....HUA KI NAHIN??"

"Haan matlab hua........"

To Choose Or Not To Is The Dilemma

Go to the market, try shopping for a ...say bottle of shampoo and then tell me, do you really believe its fun having so many choices? Has our life improved by these?

First the dilemma of the brand. I decided I would pick looking at the company....hmnn P&G is good, so is HLL, hmnn and so are many others.....Plus one company has more than one brand. Uh..

Ok now you narrow down to particular brand based on any considerations....price or whatever (I go by the appearance or even the fragrance at times..heh heh. Makes a funny site in a store...a looney girl sniffing into shampoo bottles. Thats why I like shopping at less crowded hours). but the confusion doesn't end here.

Which one of the many types now....hmnn lets see now is my hair just dry? Or is it dull and dry? Or dry and damaged? Dry and frizzy?? I guess all of the above options....oh but I also need volume, bounce and shine....oh is there one which combines all the goodies?? And the strength......too. Plus not to mention the split ends...(By now my head is split too) Plus just the shaft is dry....the scalp is like an oil mine in the middle east.

Lets go by the contents. Egg is good for the hair..lets buy this one. But isn't olive oil good too? And wheatgerm? And lemon? And Rose hips? uh rose hips? REALLY? Amla? Oh ya my granny will swear by that one. Water of xxx spring? Oh now where else will my hair get THAT?

By the end of it I want to pull out my hair. But that will defeat the purpose of buying a nice shampoo. Probably I should buy a strengtening shampoo. So that my urge (or anybody else's) to pull out my hair won't be successful.

So by the time I have purchased a bottle I know that

1. I have wasted too much time
2. I must try all the bottles in the range and chose the best amongst them.
3. I am missing on MANY other nice herbs and whatevers for my hair by choosing the bottle I have chosen.
   
4. I DON'T HAVE PRETTY HAIR....waaaaahhhhhhhh.

The Girlfriend

Ya , like the movies or those forwards you get I too like to trouble my dear Nagesh by twisting words and taking meanings he never meant out of many things he says...and when he wars his befuddled plus mad expression I like to laugh naughtily....sadist me....


One fine day
N, "You know most girls I have seen have a backup....they see one guy and have a backup in case that doesn't work well"

V, "Oh ya?? When I was seeing you I didn't have a backup.."

N, "Well I say most girls....those typical types you know....."

V, "Elaborate..."

N, "Those typical girls who bother a lot about their external beauty and those ....." with a slight tinge of MCPsm

V, "You mean I don't take care of my external beauty?? You mean to stay I stay sloppy!!"

N, "No what I meant is that you don't need to...." a cute smile flashed at me.....

N and V break into laughter.....I love troubling him this way. He too always has a diplomatic answer for me.

One Day on the phone
V pulling N's leg, "We do not belong to the same generation......I am of a younger generation" (FYI V is 23 and N is 28)

N, "No...you are so of my age.....you look and seem so mature"

V, "You mean to say I look 28!!! No I most certainly don't! In fact I look less than 23"

N, "No I mean you are so mature...I like mature girls".....probably flashed the cute smile but I didn't see.....

V, "Heh heh I know....but I love troubling you this way!"

Many more mad conversations like this...will have to keep updating this post when I remember!!

Look Who's Following Me......

A lot of animals troubling me these days...some horses ahem trojan horses attacked my PC...just when I yanked myself free from those that I landed amidst some canines. The Hutch puppy has been following me like mad.....

First some executives landed home. Incidentally the same day Mom had decided to go billing from prepaid. So for a change I entertained them. Since I didn't have the necessary documents Now co incidentally the same day I had called up hutch to send to my mom a represenatative of theirs to help my mom go billing. That person too landed up at her office. So now there are two groups of hutch puppies trying to wag their forms at me....sigh. And Mom has already commited to one and me to the other. Now I am trying to get the ones I took the forms from off my back.

Also I am now with a female co-intern whom I would love to call a "she dog" (you get me, don't ya?!) ..more so ON HER FACE. That lady lied and cheated me into doing some work delegated on the both of us and tried to scoot. Alas she was given a more irritating and a nuttier job....*evil laughter*.....serves her right. Jhoot bole kauwa katey!!

Russian Tonsillectomy

So today while I was sitting in the side room of the OT, killing time and worrying like mad about many things including PG exam, my preparation (or rather the lack of it...why would I worry otherwise?) the sick AMO of Cooper etc Dr. Hindolkar, unit head of surgery walked in with his gang. And after the usual talking about PG exams, reservations, etc he started telling us all and Dr. Bhargava about people removing appendices via the stomach for people who want no scars on their abdomen. Or removal of thyroid by laparoscopic techniques and more such fascinating surgical developments. Dr. Samir Bhargava is a famous ENT surgeon who has also written a text book I used for ENT in final MBBS. So while Dr. Hindolkar was amazing us with these facts Dr. Bhargava chipped in,

"In Russia they remove the tonsils via the rectal approach........
............as you are not allowed to open your mouth in Russia!!!"


For the uninitaited....tonsils lie inside your mouth....open your mouth...stick out the tongue...aahhh there they are!


Erratica!!....it was Dr. Kamat who we were talking to....not Dr. Hindolkar. Since I have never seen both before I mistook one for the other

Management "Guru"

My mother is a professor of Research Methodology in a famous B school (she has warned me not to mention the name in this blog entry...). And her class too has its share of pesky students without any exceptions. They tinker with their cell phones, read novels or news papers in class and so on. She normally pays little attention to them...or just gives them a warning if she feels their behaviour is beyond her level of tolerance.

Once in her class one Mr. Disinterested was distracting her. After having tinkered with his phone he started playing a game with his partner...the game we all have played as school children. Where you wrap all your fingers of one hand in the other and your friend hunts for the middle finger. Mom lost her cool and gave him a short and sweet warning....which resulted in a laughter riot in the class

"Excuse me...I think you and your partner may stand outside the class and find each others' middle fingers!"

Silly me.......

Interns in any hospital are, according to the patients, modern day vampires. They come to you every other morning (or every morning if you are unlucky to be a diabetic, have kidney failure or some disease which wasn't enough of a headache for you by itself) armed with a swab, syringe and a needle and suck the blood from your veins. Patients' reactions to this painful rituals are different...

Some scream, shout or make any sort of sound a person in pain would (blood collection is a slightly painful procedure..however when done repeatedly the site too gets tender and the procedure a more traumatic and painful one. Lack of skill on the part of some just adds to the woes)

Some complain...."You will finish all the blood in my body....." or "What do you do with so much blood?".....I prefer ignoring these types

Some like to ask why the blood is being taken . These are the ones with some basic idea about their disease or the ones who want to pacify their minds with "This is being done for my good". To them you explain in the little time you have 'Kidney kaa tapaas-- renal function test' or 'Liver ki jaanch--liver function test' or 'HIV ki jaanch' and so on..in simple short words. (Interns are always short of time.....too many collections, shortage of equipments and the rush to arrange for more, or just in a plain hurry to scoot home or to the library)

So once I had to collect the sample of a lady who was posted for a 'Serum lipid profile' meaning a test for cholesterol, triglycerides, etc in blood....in short the 'fats' in her blood. She was of the 3rd category mentioned above and she asked me,

"Aaj kaunsa tapaas karna hain?"

My plain reply, " Cholesterol, lipids ki jaanch"

"Matlab?"

In my hurry to finish my work on time I could not think what I should tell her. (Plus never before had I explained to a patient about a lipid profile so didn't have a reply ready in my head). So I said to her the easiest non technical reply that came to my head....which I didn't even bother to replay in my head..

"Khun mein kitni charbee hain uskaa jaanch karna hain!!!"


To the uninitiated: Charbee is Mumbai Slang for 'attitude' or 'masti'.

Some More Funny patients

Once a fellow intern was posted in a PHC (Primary Healthcare Centre) and he had been staying there. One night a patient's relative came him and woke him up..in the middle of the night. He asked what was wrong and the fellow said
"Keeda chavlaa.." meaning that an insect has bit the patient.
Bhavin cooly got out of his bed thinking why people come to the centre with silly complaints like that.....Thinking on his way isko painkiller aur Avil deke bhagaa deta hu he went to the waiting room.
"So which insect bit you?"
Relative, "I got it killed with me...here it is...." and saying so he opened a polythene bag to show a three feet long snake!!!

Funny Patients

When you sit in the emergency medical services...better known as EMS or Ward 20 of KEM, many funny incidents take place there. Let me get myself clear..Here I do not intend to make fun of the patients or their ilnesses but somethings they do and say are just too funny to be left in some corner of my brain and forgotten.

RAT MAN #1
On any given day, during any given shift there are atleast 2-3 cases of poisoning, mostly suicidal, in the EMS. So one fine day (actually one fine evening) came a man who consumed rat poison for some reason. Now unlike some poisons, rat poison has no specific antidote. The treatment is mainly removal of unabsorbed poison from the stomach by emesis that is, forced vomitting by giving the patient extremely salty water....

So the staff nurse gave him a bin to vomit in and a jug of super salty water. The fellow had a glass of the concoction and puked a bit. Then he stopped having it at all. We all were instructing him to have more. He pulled a face and yelled out to the staff nurse,
"Thoda namak kam dalte the to chalta thaa..."
(Putting a little less salt wouldn't hurt)

Pat came the reply from the seasoned lady,
"Yeh kya nimbu paani hain kyaa?....namak shakkar ki bat karta hain"
(You think I am giving you lemon juice?)

The patient was told to get admitted but after having just a glass of the solution he ran away and didn't get admitted.

AMBA-BAI #2

One girl was brought to the EMS at night by her friend. The girl said she had consumed a bottle of baygon. A naso-gastric tube (a tube to empty the stomach, put via nostril) was put in and gastric lavage was performed (stomach wash). The gastric contents did not smell of Baygon AT ALL...infact they looked strangely yellow. On asking her if she really had taken any poison, she replied she had had one whole bottle of Baygon worth Rs.90.
"Why do you stomach contents look so yellow then?"

She replied,
"Maine socha....khali pet davai kaise khaneki..to pehle maine do aam khaye aur phir Baygon Piya"
(I thought, how can I take any poison on an empty stomach, so I first had two mangoes and then I drank the poison)

Phool aur Patthar

Place: Ramabai Paranjpe Balvidyamandir, Vile Parle(East). Junior KG class,
Incharge Jaya Tai
Task: Draw a picture with brush and grey paint.

Varsha's turn. She wants to paint a flower. She takes the brush and starts. Well well, the petals don't look that fine...kya karein, she just moves her brush all over the picture in slight disappointment. So now on the paper is just a splash of grey paint!! Suddenly it strikes her
"Hey this looks familiar....."
Jaya Tai watching intently, "What have you drawn on the paper dear?"
Varsha: "Tai its a rock"
Tai: "Hmnn...nice"

I remember the story so vividly...And my tais in Ramabai had good knowledge of child psychology I feel. When later Jaya Tai picked up some of the best drawings to show some other teacher, she selected 3 nice drawings of a house, sunset and a man and handed them to me. Then I must have been staring at my own book hoping she choose it for she lifted that one too and handed it to me.
"Show all these nice drawings to Lata Tai"

I remember at that moment I was on the top of the world.

Later a befuddled Lata Tai asked me
"What is this drawing?"
"Its a rock" I said proudly.
"Have you drawn it?" she asked me with a smile.

That was probably my best day in junior KG.

Movies....

I spent 4 long years of my life in a small town called Loni where Iwas studying medicine. Watching movies in Loni is quite an experience. To fill you in about Loni..its a very small village in Ahmednagar district. Its 30 mins away from Shirdi.

So we all decided to watch a movie.."Lakshya" We had heard about theatres in loni but had never watched a movie in Loni before. We got all dressed up (So what if its dark in the theatre..looking good for a movie is very important!) And we entered the small gully where we knew the theatre was. It was a long lane. Along with us were a couple of goats, dogs and hens with their chicks. But our enthusiasm was with us all along!! Then we saw the theatre (Finally!!).

"Lakshya chal rahee hai na?" we asked the guy who looked like the theatre owner
"Haan..lekin demand show hai, isliye 20 rupaye ticket hain" The usual rates are Rs.10/-
"Theek hai...." we gave him the money. We were waiting for a ticket.
"Ticket wagera nahi hain...kaise bhi baith jao"--Shock no 1

What we saw inside was something I will never forget.There was a large screen....10 feet*15 feet wide. 10 feet away fromthe screen was the "seating" which consisted of 10 rows of wooden benches, each large enough to seat 7 people.--Shock no 2

"Arrey yeh to Anatomy Hall ke discarded benches Lagte hain" I told my friends who were just as shocked as I was. We made ourselves "comfortable" and settled down. Later some more people came and since the benches seemed full they settled on the floor.The movie began. It was an obviously pirated CD playing Pakistani Ads every 20-30 mins. The ads were too funny. The best we liked was "Chintoo candy". Most ads had jingles based on the tunes of Hindi movies of the 90s. The CD quality was poor. The movie was nice though.

Later after the movie
"Kaisi lagee movie" my friend Pragati asked everyone
"Its nice yaar" Aditi said
"Uh..hmnn..guys by the way tum logonko wo kuch last scenes samajh me aayakyaa...?" I sheepishly asked everyone.
"The ones in which Hritik was trying to climb the mountains? Nahi yaar wasn't it too dark? I think there was 15 minutes of just continuous darkness!!!!" Pragati"
Thank God, I thought I needed new glasses"..me

Later when I saw the movie again I realised that was the hallmark ofthe movie!!!!Later many theatres cropped up in and around Loni. But the aditya experience was unbeatable.